Chasing for Nth Years

I Failed.

There was this nerve-wracking, heart pounding feeling days before I was able to know if I passed or failed in my exam. I have been wondering, and thinking, why I failed? What are the mistakes that I committed during the exam?

Should I give up or should I keep on chasing?

Like a popular song Chasing Pavements by Adele, having the results flashing and dashing on my computer screen made me think if it is a sign to give up my Japanese language studies and shift to French of Spanish instead. I even hit the button from my facebook friend and told her about the result. I want to cry at that moment. So down and thought of grabbing a drink till dawn, yet, I reckon. As my friend told me, move on, move forward, it is just a test of your knowledge; it happened you’re not that prepared when you took the exam. (which was true).

I am really eager to pass this exam, and thought that if I pass the exam this year, I will pursue the higher level of proficiency of Japanese language, if not, I told myself that I will give up on this, there is no point of continuing something that you can not really be good at- even several years has been dedicated into.

I am also aware that the chance of passing the exam is quite low. Right after my application, I wasn’t able to take the proper preparations for this, even memorizing kanji and vocabs made me turn up-side down during the exam.

Mom, I failed.

When I told my mom about the results, she said, it is okay, see the better side of that. You can still take the exam next year (which is true), you can take proper classes for this since your office is just across the school (another reality, yes), so what’s the point of getting down?

After closing the doors that lead you nowhere, throw away the key! Because our tendency is to look back and regret. – Paulo Coelho.

I am closing now the door of regrets, of what if’s, of how I wish I passed this exam. I will now open a new door – door of better opportunities to become a new if not renewed person. It is not constrained on my Japanese Language Proficiency exam results, but I think it is seeing a lot of positivity in life.

In general, I was able to have a nice job 3 days right after my 3 months of volunteer experience. I left the job and found another one waiting for me to start. I have a part time job (with a fellow) and gives me a lot of adventures and loads of travels. There is really no reason to get down, but a sense of move forward, because tomorrow is another day to face.

Will I still continue my Japanese Language? Yes, I will, I will not get mad on the results, but it should served me as a motivation to move on and make it a serious deal now, or else, I will never get forward with this.

nihongo no benkyou

Options are just an Option

Sometimes, it is good to have an option, but sometimes, it gives you a hard core headache.

I ditched work today, as I went for another job interview. I am at the moment being trained in the corporate world, while, I was hired to be part of the government.

This may sound weird, why would I still find a job if I already got one? Why resign in the middle of training yet take training in different field?

It was a hard core yet no expectations interview. I knew and had the idea that working for the government would entail loads of patience, determination and motivation to finish one task after another. While on the corporate, they give you the liberty to work for them, have their name in your cv and voila! Your cv weighs pretty much heavier than the first time you sent it out to head hunters.

What made me think of shifting gears?

It may sound absurd, but, I thought of setting down in terms of my career. I love traveling, and working with the community, engaging with people, but things doesn’t work the way I thought it would be. It was a tough, exciting, challenging and full of dynamism work that awaits me, not because of the “government work” but because, I see where my parents are coming from. It is practically not about the numbers in the salary that makes you a better individual, and not in the prefixes that you have in your name, but, it is how do people see, appreciate and respect you no matter what. Yes, there are several negative stigmas/branding/tags about working in the government, but instead of moaning why not take the small steps towards the goals that you really want?

Too Chatty or just being Honest?

I love to talk and that is one thing that is unique from me. I can talk anything under the sun for the next 24 hours nonstop(just give me a glass of water 🙂 ). When I had my interview, it seems I’m just having a nice chat over a cup of coffee with a friend in a local coffee shop. I had the guts of saying that I have plans with a fellow of establishing a business which would help the local/s to be competitive if not to be at par with the local market. The current employment/job/career that I have is pretty much related with the upcoming one, and I must admit, it is not my cup of tea, but I’ll try, not because of the “name and credentials”, but because of the experience to cherish.

Don’t Wanna Die Young

Stumbled in the middle of the road waiting for the traffic to ease its hard core mode while listening to my obsolete play list, body aches, and head turning events made me wanted to stay at home and hit my pillow.

From my escape to urbanity event last weekend, I just hit the usual road with my trainers on earphones on the go water bottle on one hand and off to go. The last time that I went for a “proper” run was right after my travel buddy and I went for a splurging weekend. I set a time of 10 mins. from 10, I made it to 5 from 5 down to 3 mins. – am I crazy, in vain or wanting to be on the hype? All I can say is, I want to be fit, not for the sake of being “sexy” as it always associate with being “fit”.

I don’t want to die young so I run

Whenever I go for a run, I would always think of living being “fit” and healthy, regardless if I own vast amount of money in neither my bank account nor staying in a house of gold. It was an alarming thing not only for me but for the rest of the family that ”lifestyle” illness just come and go in our house like a train ride from one station to another. Even if I’m really drained and exhausted from my work, the fast-paced environment, the expectations, personal issues and goals that needs to be aligned.

I just knew that, even if I was at the bridge of saying no and wanted to quit, my goal for the day to hit the 4 min. of run made me think that: if I could finish one 4 minutes of run I could also aced the challenges that my work enthralled me. The personal issues, insecurities and a lot more that made me worried for the past few days could be solved in a snap of a finger. I think, determination and will to move on will make you a better person. Sometimes, it is not all about “banging on” but sometimes, it is also about clearing your head and determined to make it a reality.

Can I be a Volunteer again?

Anxiety, excitement and mixed emotions caught me right then and there when I met the next batch of volunteers for Cabiao.

I want to tell loads of stories about our experiences, our moans, hardships, down days, the awesome socials we had, our endless exploration of the this small town. But after my endless stories, I stopped and reckon, I should not deprived them of the learning’s that this small town gave me, my counterpart and the rest of the team had.

It was not as easy as one two and three to go back, face the past, and moved on. But what I’ve got from this weekend getaway? It was the realization of the ff:

  • There will be strange feelings that will just pop out of the box- there was this feeling of deja vu, from the matching up to traveling from Phil rice to Cabiao. I still remembered how anxious and nervous I was when the counterparts was revealed.
  • Things will never be the same again.- this is true, when I went back to my host home, I felt as if I am a guest in their house. Yet, when I talked to my host ‘brother’ not ‘father’, he told me that I am still welcome in the house.
  • It is overwhelming to see the new batch of volunteers who will continue what we have established. Some as I had an opportunity to talk with and shared some stories has feelings of anxiousness and if not worry about the standard we established. Well to be honest as well, I told them to just be ‘yourself’; at the end of the day, expectations just come and go, but who will enjoy this journey? Is for them or for you to cherish?
  • Cabiao has been my second home- I never felt that kind of feeling of being secured even if I am not in my own “home”. Perhaps, this small town gave me the sense of belongingness of being a “tourist” yet being a local at the same time.
  • I had a great volunteer experience with great supervisors- I never thought that my “out of the box” attitude that I had would be made possible because I have a supervisor who is not selfish to tame if not put me in a box of doctrines. He even encouraged me and my counterpart to do things that we want to do, but of course within the limits of being “responsible for your own actions”. I could not think of a single word to describe my supervisor who kept on telling me to learn via experience, since “you know the rules, you can now modify it”.
  • Half-hearted- I don’t know if I really wanted to pursue MBA or MCD, which way it would be, I’m not yet ( I think) ready to pursue any masteral degree for this year, but definitely I will take one.
  • Security over happiness and vice versa- when I was in the small town of Cabiao, it gave me the sense of being secured and happy both at the same time. So why is it, I am living near the metro where the life line of the businesses sets in and go would made me feel inferior?

There are loads of questions and uncertain answers, with uneasy feeling of how will I bang it on. But here I am typing in this keyboard over the papers and numbers of the work for tomorrow. All I will think of is how Cabiao made me a better person.

Need to Breathe

3 hours of sleep did not stop me from doing this trip. I arrived home around 10 pm, due to traffic, and I need to do some bailing out agreements so that I can take this weekend getaway.

Most people who work in the metro would take advantage of holidays, long weekends to get out of their routine and travel. Since, I started to work again in the metro where the lowest temperature of the aircon will give you, plus the traffic, beaming lights inviting you to groove with the hip music.

It was not actually a pure weekend getaway, but I opt for an escape of urbanity via volunteer work.

So far, in day 1 of this ‘spontaneous’ trip things and situations before rekindled:

  •  I now fully understand why my hhc wants to go out most of the time. It is soooo cold in an office that all you want to do is sleep or grab a cup of coffee. While, if you’re on the road, you see loads of things (e.g. The fields, birds, Carabao, farmer tilting the land and etc.) will make you feel good.
  •  Going on a trip stimulates your creativity and imagination. – just look at the clouds, how are they formed? Use your imagination to kill the boredom! 🙂
  • There are ups and downside of traveling in daytime.
  • Happy yet unsecured or unsecured yet happy? – would it be mean being happy as you are would make you a selfish person?
  • Sunrise really gives you good vibes. This is really true, I spent the whole week in the metro and living with it made me feel sick and weak, I can no longer see the sunrise since I need to get on and off the bus before it rise or else I need to endure a hunger games like traffic.

Will I hit the road next time? Probably yes, it gave me a sense of direction and re-aligned my perspectives about life which I think no amount of money and even an nth number of books could give.

Mt. Manabu

1st Month of the Year, 2 Summits, 3 Different Outdoor Activities and 4 out of the box experiences.

A university fellow and I started doing this (mountain climbing) since last year (2014) marking our journey away from the norms set forth by our challenging, dynamic and heterogeneous society. This is a series of entries about our lives, our journey outside our usual routine; however, as much as possible, we wanted to capture every single detail of our journey in a particular place. Hence, this entry about eat, swim and climb came into existence.

It was early morning of the 2nd day of the 1st month of the year and we started working our way to Batangas with my university friend. It heavily rained the day before our ultimate backpacking experience started.

Climb for a Cup of Coffee

Mt. Manabu is known for having free civet coffee for the mountaineers who would try to conquer it. As both of us were on our hype of trying out new things, we opt to take the challenge aside from the pile of mud that would stick on your shoes. Since I am a certified coffeeholic, I did not deprived myself to descent without trying one of the most expensive coffee in the world- the Civet. Once you reached station 5, you’ll going to see a humble hut that is open to all mountaineers, and you’ll meet tatay Tino who takes care of few alamids (civet) and will offer you an unlimited access to this amazing coffee.

Since it rained the day before we climbed this mountain, expect to have an unfavorable fog along the way aside from the trade winds that comes with the yuletide season. A cup of alamid coffee was the perfect thing to do once you reached the half of the hike, unless otherwise, you want to spoil the entire climbing journey.

Enjoying our first cup of Civet Coffee.

Enjoying our first cup of Civet Coffee.

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Climbing is not about the Summits Conquered

Climbing buddy and I always takes time to climb a certain mountain. We don’t want to climb for the sake of climbing, but it is more of a personal thing. “it is not the mountain that you conquer but your fears” as what have been mentioned in station 2 of this hike. We were supposedly opt to descend on the 7th and 8th station, yet, since it was really foggy at that time, we opt to take the same path we had earlier and we don’t want to compromise our lives just for the sake of having an entry and pictures about this.

Unlimited Fresh Water

On our way descending, we decided to clean our shoes (muddy), in the running stream. It was like a melted ice water freely flowing to the bottom of the mountain. While trying to remove the mud that stocked on our shoes, we’ve seen how people were not able to maintain the “naive” feature of nature. We kept on practicing the outdoor ethics, yet there are still groups of people who don’t care about sustainability and development which made me think, it is just a facade to climb for personal reasons or it is just an implication of a more complex role?

The Summit

The Summit.