It has been days since I got a message from fam. The thought of having the bubble burst and the ‘reset’ button pressed made me realize that ‘oh! I am not living in an aquarium like a goldfish – subject to a lot of strange looks and attitudes’.
Worry now ruin later
I cried to a volunteer about my not-so-personal dilemma. The good thing about having friends at your side makes you a better individual, not because of their advises, but because you can see the smaller picture of what you perceive as ‘big’.
I can’t disclosed the reason why I worried toooooo much for that day. I am not sure as well if it is just a symptom of being home sick, or just an act of being childish?
A lot of volunteers(ICV’s) told me that: ‘worry now, and you’ll ruin your experience in the program’. Obviously, you can’t do something out of it, because you’re not capable yet of acting on it. Also, you’re not allowed to go back home and fix things for the fam; if you’re allowed to do so, what can be done?
My HHC, noticed how stressed/upset I am during the day, and even noticed that I only ate 4 strips of banana and a cup of coffee for my breakfast-which is an indication that I am in disoriented mindset.
Proper Walk or just simple Stroll?
Since my HHC noticed how upset am I (and kept on asking for reasons, which I find awkward, because I don’t want someone pity me for a not-so-good/valid reasons to be pittied).
I thought it was just a simple walk to the market, I did not wear my trainer’s (rubber shoes in Phil.), but I had only my flops (slippers in Phil.). The walk lasted for 2 hours, approximately 15 kms. under the scourging heat of the sun. My HHC, talked about random stuff/s, from finding happiness in small ways/deeds/things to deciding for yourself. At the end of the hilarious walk, we ended up having the goal for the week: perfect-imperfect, the quest for positive impact (I am not sure about the word ‘quest’ 🙂 ). Aside from our action plan regarding our perfectionist-imperfect dilemma, we were burned by the tormenting heat of the sun.
End the cycle now and be free
After couple of days, I finally learned my lesson. It is better for me to feel this, to think about this(referring to the dilemma that I have), and work on it. It is not about finding answers in a snap but finding way out of it. It is not work against time, but working with time. Fear nothing, regret nothing.